Haydn's Musings: The Penthouse London (A Rant)

Warning: This article might offend you, your grandma, or the club owner of a shit night club, so reader discretion is advised.

In this series of posts I will be having a good old moan about the worst of the worst clubs in London. Living in London and being the person that I am, I've been clubbing a lot and as a consequence I have been to some absolute shitters (usually in Leicester Square) and some absolute blinders (usually in Camden). These posts will tell you about the shitters, which you should avoid at all costs. I'll start of by getting the worst one out of the way shall I? Good. It is called The Penthouse and it is located in Leicester Square.

1. Prices

Now, normally, I go into a club and I expect the drink prices to be pretty expensive, and that's cool. I expect it, London is a very touristy venue and the greedy cun- I mean, club owners, want to get every penny from the drunk customer who has had loads of pre-drinks and is trying to keep the Alcohol levels flowing. Penthouse pretty much takes the biscuit when it comes to rip off prices in terms of entry and drink prices. It costs £10.00 for Girls to get in and £20.00 for Guys to get in. Luckily, me and my mates did a bit of negotiation and got us in for a still extortionate £15.00. From what I've heard, the owner of The Penthouse is a greedy, misogynistic wanker who needs to be found and locked up. The difference in pricing is obviously because he wants loads of girls to come into his club (a cab driver told me this) so he can pick as many up as he can to take back to shit hole penthouse flat. I can just imagine the decorations in his house, I bet it's all 'modern and stylish', just like the horrifically awful decorations in the club he owns.

I know what you're thinking, "The drinks prices have got to be cheap with an entry fee like that!". But that's where you would be wrong wrong. I did what I usually do and went up to the bar and asked them what was the cheapest and strongest shot they did. They said Tequila, which is good, but it was £4.00. Yep, you've read that correctly, £4.00 for a bloody Tequila shot, and that's not all, before I did what I usually do I decided to start of the evening with a nice Jägerbomb. It was £6.50. £6.50 for a fucking Jägerbomb. Now are you still wandering why I called the owner what I did?

2. The Guys

Ahhh, this is a favourite subject of mine. The amount of times I've seen one of my girl mates fall into the arms of an arrogant twat who only really wants to get into their pants is ridiculous. I swear these guys are a different breed to the normal human being and they will do anything they can to 'get some pussy'. Am I over reacting? I don't think I am.

When it comes to The Guys, The Penthouse, again, takes the biscuit. I swear most of the blokes who walk around this club have no morals and no concept about what is good, respectable behaviour towards women. And I know I'm making a sweeping generalization here but seriously, even the average wanker trying to pull knows that there is a limit, but these guys are literally so desperate they might as well not bother with the completely useless and small talk, which is usually a wave of uninteresting and dull stories about all the times when they were pissed with their mates, and just get down on their hands and knees and beg for a shag.

 3. Music

I can't find a quote because I can't be arsed to go on their shit website, but basically, it says something about them having three floors dedicated to different genres of music, these genres are: Dance, Hip Hop and Commercial R&B. To be honest with you, the website should state that all three floors actually cater for the shittest, most commercial music around, but they wont say that because the club owner is a lying bastard. No more needs to be said on this matter.

4. Atmosphere

This club has no atmosphere. Because loads of people have heard it it, it get's fucking packed, then because I am who I am, the claustrophobia kicks in. I actually enjoy going to clubs that are half full more than I do crammed clubs because it means there is more space to dance and it means I don't have to spend an hour trying to search for my mates again on the dancefloor when I've come back from the bar to get a drink. But this club is usually so crammed that I can't breathe, let alone dance, so I end up just standing there like an absolute bellend longing for my McDonalds at the end of the evening and also longing to be anywhere else but this club.

5. Conclusion

This is going to be short but sweet as I really can't be bothered to write anymore. Basically, don't go to this club, in fact, boycott it, in fact, go to this club just to tell the bouncer how shit it is. You'll get punched in the face but it will be worth it, I promise you.

This is Haydn, over and out.

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