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How not to write a music review, courtesy of Kerrang! magazine

Ah, back when Hayley Williams was really cute and Sonny Moore wasn't known as Skrillex.

The past week or two I haven't had much time to post. The other guys have all been working on some stuff behind the scenes but due to exam revision everything has been a bit slower. Don't worry, as soon as exams are over, you will have a tonne of cool stuff coming your way! Meanwhile, head over to our Facebook page to see some updates and discussions about various stuff. Please leave us a like if you can! It would be much appreciated. Anyway, this is just a bit of filler (you can call it an Alt:Mag 'Naruto post') for you to enjoy from me during the meantime, and the other guys will have some great posts for you too over the next few weeks, so don't worry.

Recently while looking through some old magazines, I found many issues of Kerrang! magazine. I used to buy that magazine every week back when I was a little emo kid (well, not really), but I eventually decided to stop, as the magazine bothered me too much and my music tastes became of more than one genre. Sure, the magazine is established, has a huge following and sells more than Alt:Mag would ever dream to sell, but that doesn't mean I can't point out how stupid it is. Kerrang! is probably the most biased, contradictory magazine I have ever had this misfortune of reading. They will butt lick popular rock bands like Slipknot and Metallica and leave no space for the less popular bands. They review albums negatively then go back on what they say (they reviewed blink-182's Dude Ranch extremely negatively, then say that the album is actually a classic years later), especially if the band later becomes part of their relentless tours they organise every year. They insult bands like Hollywood Undead, calling them 'crunkcore' and then a year or so later, they have a two page spread about how good they are. Do you get my point now?

However, there was one review that made me grind my teeth with no end. Usually Kerrang!'s album reviews would be biased, but not too much (unless it was a popular band, like Slipknot, in that case they'd give it infinite praise) but the review below absolutely wound me up with no end. The review was about Yellowcard's 'Paper Walls' album, which is a fairly good album, although it wasn't their best. But the fact I liked the album is nothing to do with it, this review is awful beyond belief. They should fire the idiot who wrote this.  

"Yellowcard are shit. And 'Paper Walls' is a decent description of the anorexic nature of their sound. There's nothing structurally wrong with this album, all of the pieces are in place: the riff-based punk song, the commonality of troubled lyrics (delivered in moon-noon-spoon rhyming couplets such as "what am I fighting for/there must be something more"), the quirkiness of having a violin player and choruses that could hardly sound any happier were they attempting to sell you a bottle of Coca Cola. If you like your punk-rock so clean cut that it can only really exist within the confines of a laboratory then 'Paper Walls' is for you. For anyone else, Yellowcard are a sending off offence".

What a sublime review, especially the opening line, no bias there at all. Nothing else to say really, except that crap like this is the reason why we try to avoid extreme bias in our reviews as much as possible.

 
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